The Following is a Depiction of a True Medical Encounter. Names Have Been Omitted to Protect the Innocent
I had a patient come in recently and he looked considerably different. My job is to notice subtle changes in people and hopes of heading off a potential medical calamity. He looked thinner, weaker, almost... softer? He looked as if the life force had be extinguished from his eyes. I was deeply concerned so I flat out asked him. "You look different, what has changed?" He looked down and put his hand to his chin, seemingly to fight back tears. "I had (sigh) ... I had to shave me beard!" My heart sank in mourning of his warrior spirit. I asked him why? "Did it singe off while battling a fire? Did it get caught in your chainsaw? Was it a demon?!?!" "No!" He exclaimed. "It wasn't any of that!" Shame quivered in his voice and he could no longer look me in the eyes. "It was because my wife said she didn't like it!" "What!?!? What will she ask you to do next? Shave your chest hair!!!" I barked. That's when I saw the reason why he came to my clinic that day... razor burn... on his chest!
You should face your graying mane with glory as the dimming of youth signals the greatest "FU" currency ever bestowed on man - Age.
But, I get it. We sometimes go gray before we're bold-enough to embrace this badge of honor. Luckily, Manly Guy to the rescue. For those who have sensitive skin, it's really the only safe alternative. Believe me, I've looked... for a friend of course!
When I was "beard naive" I thought to grow some facial glory only meant to stop shaving for a few months. Boy was I wrong! Beards are like Viking swords: strong, deadly and cool AF. But every what every Viking knows, a blade must be cared for, nourished and strengthened over time. Neglecting your beard should be as rare as a Marine neglecting his rifle... (hint: it doesn't happen).
So... get some oil in your beard!
What?! You're combing your beard with a black plastic pocket comb? I can only imagine how you treat your dog!
If you're going to man up and become one of the bearded masses, then treat your facial follicles with some respect! And nothing is more respectful than massaging your face-fur with the bristles from a wild boar!
A plastic comb... What would Honest Abe say? What would Sam Elliott say!?
You might be asking yourself, "What does coffee have to do with beard care?" Sit down young man and let me explain. Nothing actually. It has nothing to do with beard care. But... as a member of the bearded-brethren, you now get to experience the oft ignored treat- The Mustache Filter Phenomena. From now on, whether drinking malted hops or a cup of your favorite Joe, you mustache has first dibs and will remind you of this fact later in the day. Plus, I like what BRC stands for! Keep it up fellow veterans!
It will only be a matter of time when a woman presses her lips against your fur-monster and is greeted by the hints of last night's feast of wild game! (see mustache dibs above). Fear not my "follicly" gifted friends! Viking Revolution has got you covered! Now you can scrub away that venison grease and Meade and greet your lover with a morning kiss that will make her think Thor himself has descended from Valhalla!
Yes the Beard Bib looks silly! But do you know what else looks silly? You, holding a plunger, in your undies, standing on the sink, trying to unclog a years worth of beard trimmings! You need one of these if you trim your own beard and share a sink... you just do.